I’m super-addicted to reality TV, especially when it involves food.
I’m pretty sure I’ve already ranted and raved about how mad I get at myself for changing my schedule around to watch “Top Chef”.
And, though I don’t think it’s nearly as polished as “Top Chef”, on the right day, I can really get into “The Next Food Network Star”.
Over the holiday, I watched a marathon of “Star” and was trying to remember what happened to Dan and Steve…they were my favorite. Winners, first season.
With the best brownie recipe EVER.
When my husband requested brownies this morning, I knew he was getting Dan and Steve’s brownies.
As for me, I’ve pretty much decided that it’s time to give up my dreams of being a Food Network Host.
Outside of the fact that my ingredient repertoire is pretty limited, there’s a multitude of other problems:
1. I would barf on television if Bobby Flay ate my dish while I watched. Airline barf bags would never be big enough. I’d need a pickle bucket.
2. I have the ugliest hair ever. No one on this show has bad hair. No one.
3. I am too messy. I would show up at judging just like at church: with chocolate on my jeans, flour on my shirt, and icing in my hair.
4. My funny would translate as awkward. There would be lots of shots of a Giada deLaurentis making her Painful Face while I was chopping onions…
Speaking of which, that brings us to:
5. My dad would never watch, especially if the recipe required me to use a knife. He can’t stand to be the passenger in a car that I’m driving, or to watch me cut potatoes.
Regardless of the myriad of problems with me cooking on television, I still sometimes dream about it.
Sometimes, when I’m alone in the bakery, I pretend that I’m on the Food Network and talk my way through a recipe. My Tupperware bowls are the camera, my refrigerator is the director.
Yeah, I know…pretty weird. Hey, I’m an only child and my imagination is broader than most.
So this morning, when my husband and the boys left for Sunday School, I went out to the bakery and Food Networked my way through a recipe for Texas Fudge Brownies.
I even put makeup on.
1 cup sugar, 2 eggs, 1 stick margarine, 1/3 cup chocolate chips, 1/2 cup flour, 1 tsp vanilla, 1 pinch salt.
What, no leavening? Yup. Fudge brownies…not cake brownies.
Beat the eggs and salt, add the sugar….
I’m using my hand mixer today, so I can talk to the refrigerator and not the wall…
Beat until thick and light, add vanilla…
And that looks pretty much unappetizing, doesn’t it?
Meanwhile…at the Hall of Justice…
Heat 1/2 stick butter, 1/4 cup milk and 2 tbsp cocoa…bring to a boil
Is this reminding you of a Texas Sheet Cake? Good, because it should.
Now take the brownie pan out of the oven, and pour the glaze over the hot brownies…
so you make some. And pretend your refrigerator is the director shouting, “Action!” and your calendar is the teleprompter…
Or maybe not.
Texas Fudge Brownies
Adapted from Dan Smith and Steve McDonagh’s Truffle Brownies
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup chocolate chips
1 stick margarine
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup flour
Preheat oven to 350
Beat the eggs and salt until frothy. Add the sugar and mix until thick and light, add vanilla and mix thoroughly. Melt the margarine with the chocolate chips, add to the egg mixture while the mixer is running. Add the flour and mix until just combined. Pour into greased 8″ baking pan and bake for 15-20 minutes.
For the Glaze:
1/2 stick butter (1/4 cup)
1/4 cup milk
2 tbsp cocoa
2 cups powdered sugar
Heat butter, milk and cocoa to a boil, stirring constantly. Whisk in the powdered sugar, stir until smooth. Pour over hot brownies, allow to cool completely.
I’m a super-size cutter…but these babies only need to be like, 1 bite size. Super rich, super chocolate-y, super yummy.
And saying things are “super (insert adjective here)” or a lot of “totally”s and “like”s probably doesn’t do too much to get me a show on TV either.
My Eighties eloquence will get me no where, my friend. NO where.